It would be nice to read a book again. Actually read it. All the words, each sentence. and then not think about its structure, argument, weaknesses, use of theoretical frameworks, and place within the larger historiography. How long until summer????

Blehhh. Tuesday/Wednesday just sucks the life out of me. So utterly exhausted. I also think I am having a weird delayed onset seasonal depression. I think I jinxed it by being so happy about the weekend's sun. It has been 20 degrees colder and rainy since. ugh. That is all. I just want it to be Thursday night already (the end of my school week responsibilities) AND I'm going out to a Gators Young Alumni event at a dueling piano bar! Hmm. A drink would be really nice right now... lol.

Oh, wait. There was one good thing today-- Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day! Somehow a free chocolate chip cookie dough cone just tastes so much better than a .. not free one.

Spring...

is perhaps my new favorite season. It has been so warm!!! I love it. Sunshine! and bare legs! lovelovelove.

Pretty great weekend. Nothing spectacular but feeling like I actually had a weekend. Went to a history party on Friday night. We had to bring food that related to our field, so doing WWII US stuff I baked Betty Crocker brownies and brought Coke. Does it get more Americana than that?

Saturday I finally got the massage Pancho gave me for Valentine's. I was a little nervous about deep tissue because I thought maybe they would like grind me into the table but it was actually amazing. And apparently I had a lot of tension in my shoulders and upper back (hunched over the computer writing, perhaps?) so I felt like relaxed putty walking out of there. The spa just so conveniently is smooshed in between all the shops on Walnut St. so I popped into Zara and H&M. Total spontaneous purchase at H&M of new sunglasses (finally!! as I mentioned here several times before of my great need) and this super cute silk blend blue and white patterned mini-dress. Then I sat in Rittenhouse Square for awhile soaking up the sun with my new shades and Time. Great morning.

And today Pancho was here after flying in from skiing all week. Picked him up at the airport at 2:15 in the morning. Guess I like him a lot. Grabbed brunch at Rx which is literally 3 blocks from me and I've been wanting to check it out-- brioche french toast. yum yum yum. Walked around the neighborhood because it was so nice out (and to digest) and then dropped him off at the train mid-afternoon so he could get back and get some work done. Very satisfying weekend, but here comes another rather busy week. But only 6 more of the semester! (a thought both exciting and terrifying)

These people up north...

basically cannot function when there is nice weather. I was told once, back in Florida, by northern visitors "If the weather was this nice all the time, I would never get work done. How do you guys deal with it being sunny all the time?" At the time I thought this was slightly ridiculous. Well, its always nice, so we just take it for granted. duh.

However, I'm starting to see the logic to this question. Because after 5 miserably wet and cold days the weather today was GORGEOUS, sunny, bright blue skies and in the low 60s, there were about 18 times more people outside than I have seen in months. Everywhere. The teeniest patches of grass, any outdoor seating, people all over the place. Granted, there were also a ton of drunken college kids hanging out on front porches because of St. Patrick's Day... but people everywhere, reading, playing frisbee, eating, it was great. The weather guy said it hasn't been this warm since December 3rd. yikes.

Again, reminded of great need for new sunglasses. grrrrr. Though I did float the idea to one of my friends of going (finally!!) to check out King of Prussia-- only the biggest mall on the east coast!! and like a 30-minute drive or so from here. hooray.

Also, Happy St. Patrick's Day!! I made green cupcakes (dyed both the funfetti mix and the icing) for my 700 class this morning. We were critiquing drafts (mine included) so I thought it might be nice to sugar coma myself into getting through it. It worked, plus the medium latte and dunkin donut munchins the prof brought in probably helped too. I was also pretty much shaking by the end of class. lol. I also put little shamrock stickers on the 2 papers that I was a peer reader for. AND I wore my Everyone Loves An Irish Girl shirt. I just can't give it up. I know it should have been in my give-away bag of spring cleanout clothes but I can't make myself do it. It still fits! and its supersoft. I had the decency at least to wear my green Polo sweater over it for most of the day though. :)

Since the skewering of my 1st draft is now complete--except for my advisor's comments which I will have to deal with next week. which I cant even think about yet how much I'll dread that--I decided I was going to watch tv til my eyes pop out tonight. Totally need a break/it's a holiday. So behind from not watching last week while I was writing said 1st draft. Yes, my idea of a great night right now is couch potato-ing it. Or, rather, desk chair-ing it for those of us without a couch. God. I can't wait til I have a bigger place and can afford furniture. I'm going to a party on Friday night though, so shush. Grad school isn't all that lame.

I had a fantastic night last night. Pancho got into town and we went out in Manayunk with his friends from Hopkins. People were already starting to celebrate St. Paddy's. (I, of course, have had my decorations up since I took down the Valentine's ones...) So we went to Kildare's which had like several multi-level bars and spaces to dance. We ended up where the live music was. So much fun, I haven't danced in a long while and it was fantastic. Also, because the guys we were with used me as bait. "Paige, we're good enough friends I think, right? So I'm going to dance with you so it looks like I can get a hot girl. Thanks." lol. Lots of classic 90s songs that I knew the words to. Perfect. AND they played Shout. which is my favorite wedding reception song to dance to and it just makes me feel so happy. Mostly because you can jump all around. And then we were hungry on the way home, so we went to Wawa for a chicken parm. The place was packed. It made me feel like we were doing one of those totally typical things after a night out. Also, Gainesville should get a Wawa. I told Pancho- Grad school: Its like college but with more legal drinking.

lamest Spring Break ever

but it has also sort of, oddly, been a little relaxing (despite the paper-writing mania). I've started running again. It has done wonders for my unrestful sleep issues and I actually like that sore-but-in-a-good way feeling. Maybe this is the start of my finally starting to train for a marathon. I always said I wanted to do one before 25, so I better get going.

We are supposed to get massive amounts of rain this weekend, or rather, starting any time now tonight. ugh. Just when I was totally into the sunny and warm thing. What a tease.

My mom sent me a package today of : Girl Scout Samoas, Nerds, and Sweetheart Chicks, Ducks, and Bunnies for Easter. My little sugar-overloaded heart swooned. I could go on at length on the virtues of all of them. Mmmm....

Spring is on its way...

and so I felt the urge to start packing away some of the bulky winter clothes (sweaters with snowflakes, really thick turtlenecks, rolling-around-in-the-snow pants) Thought it was probably a good time to do a little Spring Cleaning while I was at it. Picked out about 12 things that I don't wear/have never worn/are way way too old (like 10th grade)/things I would still wear except that I know deep down in my heart are out of style. Many are from stores that I have literally not shopped in for years. Perhaps that should have been a clue to me. A few of the highlights: White cargo capris from American Eagle, red terry cloth zip up hoodie from Abercrombie (seriously), tube top sun dress (I don't actually look that good in strapless stuff), very short jean shorts, a knee-length jean skirt with a slit in the front, and several tops that no, I don't think I actually will wear them "some day." If you have seen me in the past 5 years, you have most definitely seen me in at least 1 of these items. It's hard, but I feel like I'm making progress. lol. It also stupidly makes me think that now I have cleared room to buy replacements. Oh, if only.... Although with the bright sun today I was reminded that I am still on a quest for the perfect sunglasses, albeit ones that won't break the bank.

And Allison. Your comment was duly noted. In my defense, I would update more often except that nothing truly worth detailing happens that often. and seriously, how often can I possibly vent about schoolwork? Its cathartic for me to write but I'm sure very very boring to read. so I spare you, my dear readers. However, I will try to remember more odd little things that happen. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the library near these big plate glass windows and I was reading but also people watching as folks walked by. And I see this squirrel with a full size doughnut run by. I laugh, look around to see if anyone else saw it, nothing. I go back to reading. Look up a few minutes later and I see a squirrel with a big sugar cookie. He tries to dig a hole but its not working after a few tries and so runs up a nearby tree. He leaves the cookie in the forked branch and scurries down and away from the tree! I, apparently, was the only one watching this whole thing take place. When I left the library a considerable time later, the cookie was still there. Hanging out 8 feet off the ground.

stressed.

I really thought I was doing a good job of keeping the mounting stress at bay. Thought that maybe I was finally getting to a point where I could recognize everything that had to be done, realize that it would eventually get done, and then consequently not feel the anxiety. It was working (the whole fooling myself bit)... until now. When it isn't.

Last week, I was just plugging along productively, but not sleeping well at all (going to bed at 2am every night and being tired but not being able to sleep. the worst!) and seeing what work was beckoning on the horizon but I was feeling alright about it. Decompressed a little over the weekend. Went running for the first time in months on Monday which a professor recommended for my sleeping problems. Totally worked. I passed out that night and had such a wonderfullllll sleep that I felt like a new person on Tuesday. Which was great because Tuesdays are my most hectic days (schoolwork all day usually and then class 6-9pm) and this week I had a presentation to give which went swimmingly and I got nice comments back on a paper topic idea. So, sweet, right?

Got another great night's sleep. Wednesday was about the usual. and then today. Started off okay, had a nice lunch with some girls from the dept., even went to Insomnia Cookies for the first time. They have SO many cookies (I got an M&M one), and they heat them up for you! Mostly it just made me sleepy and wanting a mid-afternoon nap. Then had an okay meeting and went to a lecture talk on the South and slavery but as soon as I got home, it just felt like a wave of stress.

So here it all is (because I just have to get it out of my system):I have my first draft due of this big, huge paper that will eventually be the basis for my MA thesis on Sunday, March 14. A little over a week from now. I have not started writing. I am aiming for at least 30 pages, but would be happy with 26. I think I can do it. I know I am capable of it. I just worry about the research I have and the amount of secondary reading that I have not done, but wonder how much I could do in the next week or make it seem like I did do. I worry about the quality of the writing, my intellectual arguments, what is everyone in my class going to think of it? Will it be just as good as my other stuff? Or did I really finally screw the pooch on this one by waiting so long to start writing? I remind myself that I have been working on the project the last couple weeks, in between all my other classwork (which seriously takes up a lot of time) and that this is only the first draft. I'll do another one and we'll discuss that in class, too. Then I get a last chance for the Final version. whew.

I worry about finding a job. Because I need to start that process. It's scary. What if I don't find something I'm willing to do/think I'm qualified for/am excited about? I waver between feeling like hey, I just spent how many years killing myself academically and I think I deserve a decent-paying job in a fancy institution where I'm doing what I want to do versus in this economy, maybe I'll be happy with whatever job I can find as long as its 30k and not completely menial. I don't really feel comfortable with either one of those, but I waver. What if I don't actually like working? but I need a break from school. I need to finally experience what its like to not have reading and homework and research always lingering. I'm stretched thin on student loans to just get me to/through August. What the f am I going to do if I don't have a job after that? Also, where exactly am I going to be? Am I going to be able to finish my thesis over the summer and then move?

Ahhhhh!!!!

Oh, yeah. Spring Break technically started for me tonight. except I'll be working on that draft. At least it means no classes (and thus work) next week. a small reprieve. sigh. Maybe I'm just having a weird hormonal period thing. or maybe withdrawl from not having Coke or espresso since Monday.

Anyways, that was a good vent. The next post will be more uplifting. probably.