stressed.

I really thought I was doing a good job of keeping the mounting stress at bay. Thought that maybe I was finally getting to a point where I could recognize everything that had to be done, realize that it would eventually get done, and then consequently not feel the anxiety. It was working (the whole fooling myself bit)... until now. When it isn't.

Last week, I was just plugging along productively, but not sleeping well at all (going to bed at 2am every night and being tired but not being able to sleep. the worst!) and seeing what work was beckoning on the horizon but I was feeling alright about it. Decompressed a little over the weekend. Went running for the first time in months on Monday which a professor recommended for my sleeping problems. Totally worked. I passed out that night and had such a wonderfullllll sleep that I felt like a new person on Tuesday. Which was great because Tuesdays are my most hectic days (schoolwork all day usually and then class 6-9pm) and this week I had a presentation to give which went swimmingly and I got nice comments back on a paper topic idea. So, sweet, right?

Got another great night's sleep. Wednesday was about the usual. and then today. Started off okay, had a nice lunch with some girls from the dept., even went to Insomnia Cookies for the first time. They have SO many cookies (I got an M&M one), and they heat them up for you! Mostly it just made me sleepy and wanting a mid-afternoon nap. Then had an okay meeting and went to a lecture talk on the South and slavery but as soon as I got home, it just felt like a wave of stress.

So here it all is (because I just have to get it out of my system):I have my first draft due of this big, huge paper that will eventually be the basis for my MA thesis on Sunday, March 14. A little over a week from now. I have not started writing. I am aiming for at least 30 pages, but would be happy with 26. I think I can do it. I know I am capable of it. I just worry about the research I have and the amount of secondary reading that I have not done, but wonder how much I could do in the next week or make it seem like I did do. I worry about the quality of the writing, my intellectual arguments, what is everyone in my class going to think of it? Will it be just as good as my other stuff? Or did I really finally screw the pooch on this one by waiting so long to start writing? I remind myself that I have been working on the project the last couple weeks, in between all my other classwork (which seriously takes up a lot of time) and that this is only the first draft. I'll do another one and we'll discuss that in class, too. Then I get a last chance for the Final version. whew.

I worry about finding a job. Because I need to start that process. It's scary. What if I don't find something I'm willing to do/think I'm qualified for/am excited about? I waver between feeling like hey, I just spent how many years killing myself academically and I think I deserve a decent-paying job in a fancy institution where I'm doing what I want to do versus in this economy, maybe I'll be happy with whatever job I can find as long as its 30k and not completely menial. I don't really feel comfortable with either one of those, but I waver. What if I don't actually like working? but I need a break from school. I need to finally experience what its like to not have reading and homework and research always lingering. I'm stretched thin on student loans to just get me to/through August. What the f am I going to do if I don't have a job after that? Also, where exactly am I going to be? Am I going to be able to finish my thesis over the summer and then move?

Ahhhhh!!!!

Oh, yeah. Spring Break technically started for me tonight. except I'll be working on that draft. At least it means no classes (and thus work) next week. a small reprieve. sigh. Maybe I'm just having a weird hormonal period thing. or maybe withdrawl from not having Coke or espresso since Monday.

Anyways, that was a good vent. The next post will be more uplifting. probably.